Today I’m bringing you the very best of Covid Rules and explaining the complicated science behind them, wrote James Macpherson. “We were treated like idiots for two years. We must never, ever forget.”
Below is Macpherson’s list of Covid Rules and “the science.”
1. Covid Rule
We had to wear masks when entering a restaurant and walking to the table, but were allowed to remove the mask when seated at the table. Mask had to be reapplied in order to leave.
The Science: The Covid doesn’t spread when you’re eating and drinking.
2. Covid Rule
No one was allowed out in public except to riot over the death of George Floyd.
The Science: A pandemic of racism (yes that’s actually what some media called it) was more deadly than an actual pandemic.
3. Covid Rule:
Curfews.
The Science: The Covid can tell time.
4. Covid Rule:
In Ohio, the sport of wrestling was permitted but competitors were not allowed to shake hands at the end of the bout.
The Science: The Covid hated good sports.
5. Covid Rule:
Melbourne residents were told it was “not in the spirit of the lockdown” to watch the sunset.
The Science: The Covid kept a list of people who glanced at the setting sun and eventually infected them.
6. Covid Rule:
People walking alone on secluded beaches were arrested.
The Science: An infected walker could infect grains of sand, or possibly even fish.
7. Covid Rule:
Go safe, go “glory hole”. Also, don’t rape people.
The Science: The Covid will not attempt to infect sexual deviants.
8. Covid Rule:
When sitting in a park you and your friends were required to sit within circles painted on the grass.
The Science: The Covid agreed not to penetrate inside the painted circles but that anyone outside the circles was fair game.
9. Covid Rule:
In France, people had to fill out a form authorising themselves to go outside for a walk. In the absence of a form, people could write a letter and sign it, or else give themselves permission via an app. If you left the house without giving yourself written permission to do so, you had to pay a fine.
The Science: The Covid would not spread if you had a note saying you were taking the pandemic seriously.
10. Covid Rule:
Do not speak in the elevator.
The Science: The Covid respects silence.
11. Covid Rule:
AFL goalposts needed to be disinfected by men in hazmat suits.
The Science: Researchers calculated that it was technically possible for an infected player to touch the ball which, when kicked, might hit the post, transferring the Covid from player to ball to post. A player who subsequently touched the post and then inadvertently put his finger near his mouth could get Covid, maybe.
12. Covid Rule:
Supermarket workers were required to operate behind a perspex safety screen even though they were touching all the grocery items you had just touched before returning them to you for transportation home whereupon you would touch them again.
The Science: The Covid got confused by the perspex screen and forgot it could transmit itself via people’s hands.
13. Covid Rule:
In the UK you were not allowed to drink an alcoholic beverage on site unless you also ate something.
The Science: Opening your mouth to pour liquid into would attract the Covid but opening your mouth to shove food down it would not.
[Later “the science” discovered a meal no longer protected people whilst they were drinking and the rule was dropped. Some members of the Irish public claimed to be unclear about Government regulations regarding drinking in pubs during ‘The Times Of Covid’. So, the following leaflet was distributed to fully clarify the situation.]
